Bill McKee is the only employee left at the Burrito Parabola for his first-ever shift on closing time. Bill had only started working at Burrito Parabola about two weeks ago, but the owner thought Bill could be trusted to lock up. The owner made a list of closing duties so that way Bill wouldn’t have to bother with remembering menial tasks like watering down the hot sauce. There is only one item left on the list: rip sheets of toilet paper and put them in the napkin dispensers for the customers.
Bill knows the Burrito Parabola was cheap, but he never realized how cheap until he started to work there. Bill isn’t too open with his complaints, though. He could complain about the meat getting mixed with sawdust or the sawdust used to make the tortillas or even the sawdust used to keep the cheese from clumping, but he keeps to himself because he doesn’t want to miss out on an opportunity. Bill thinks he could one day be a manager of one of these establishments— or at least an assistant manager.
Regardless of how cheap the Burrito Parabola is, Bill embarks on his journey to the bathroom. He can smell how bad it is from the lobby. The restaurant recently released a new burrito with black beans, baked beans, and refried beans. Combine this with the broccoli and cheese hot sauce and you have a grenade of smell that takes about forty-five minutes to detonate. This mess of a burrito is called Every-Maury. Bill opens the tall and brown door of the bathroom and walks inside.
To his surprise, Bill finds the bathroom to be exceptionally clean albeit a little smelly. Bill steps inside a stall and realizes he has an urge of his own to use the bathroom. Bill drops his pants and proceeds to go about his business. Leaving him alone for eight minutes, we return to find Bill is reaching for toilet paper. He reaches into the toilet paper dispenser only to find nothing. He gets up and wobbles over into the next two stalls only to find nothing.
Bill heads to the last and final stall with his pants around this ankles. He tries to open the door, but it won’t budge. Bill hears the words “Someone is in here.” Bill is taken aback by these words; he thought everyone was out of the restaurant. Bill quickly apologizes and asks how much longer the man is planning on staying. The man says he will likely be on the toilet until the night’s end. Bill wonders if he must stay or if he should just go.
Bill thinks again of the more pressing matter: where is the toilet paper? Bill shyly asks the man in the stall if he has any toilet paper. The man says “I got a whole lot of nothing, but I don't have any toilet paper. Why? Can’t you find any? I am sure you work here.” Bill looks around the bathroom for a closet or a shelf or anything that may behold the two-ply glory. The man in the stall says “screw it” as he flushes and walks slowly out of the stall.
A fifty-two year old man with a big head, a bigger frame, and a bigger belly, walks out of the stall with his pants around his ankles. He locks eye contact with Bill before looking at the sink. He turns again to face Bill dead in the eye as he wobbles out of the bathroom without washing his hands. Bill is intrigued by his new friend’s quest, but he stops for a moment to clean up his hands before peeking his head out of the bathroom.
Bill sees the man using what appears to be toilet paper in his car while the man is throwing the used paper out of the window. The man pulls up his pants and steps out of his car. He walks back into the Burrito Parabola and tosses the rest of the toilet paper to Bill. The man says “you can use this more than me right now. Be sure to save it. Toilet paper is crucial.” Bill nods his head at the man and goes back into the bathroom.
Bill finishes his doody duty with the toilet paper the man provided. Bill guesses the man must be rich or an angel or something. The toilet paper is different than anything he has experienced before. It is thicker than normal, it has yellower complexion, and it is coated in a weird substance that Bill thinks may be a type of lotion. Bill exclaims “fuck” when he realizes all the things the man touched without washing his hands. That’s what you get when you get leftovers.
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